As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
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[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.