[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
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the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
“TGIM!” – My liver
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.