I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
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sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”