[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
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Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.