To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
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I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
yeah not falling for this one
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.