Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
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Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*