Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
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Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife