I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
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At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s