My wife has the worst taste in men.
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Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.