Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
You Might Also Like
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
who did the taste test?
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…