For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
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my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Saturday
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
How did we not see this back then?
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.