Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
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Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.