Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
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I’m sorry…what?
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
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THE AUDACITY. 😤
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]