yes, those are my real potatoes.
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The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
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