Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
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I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
This kid is going places
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.