My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
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Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Dear Lord..
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.