I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
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I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
*Inspirational Tweets*
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.