The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
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Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
moms in horror movies
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?