If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
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It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet