take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
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Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Don’t forget to tip your server
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.