Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
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Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
damn he’s good
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35