Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
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*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Ain’t no way
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
getting groceries
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”