Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
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“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.