The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
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[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.