It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
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friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.