Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
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i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Not recommended for beginners.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
pizza
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.