my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
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teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Me trying to look natural in photos
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?