me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
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HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Generation gap…
Me My dog
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.