It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
You Might Also Like
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.