Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
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She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Festive toon…
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
At least try to make it slightly believable