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Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?