uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
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Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
i wish we could shoplift online
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.