Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
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Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
(Electricians.)
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.