Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
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Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.