Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
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OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
He’s dead
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.