cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
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Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers