i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
You Might Also Like
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”