Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
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[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
This made me smile…
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled