People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
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Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
This one’s “Alex”.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
ugh not again
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Oh thanks BBC.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Lmfaoooooo
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.