9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
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[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination