I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
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He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.