advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
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I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
*gets down on one knee*
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
want me to check your oil?
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel