Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
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Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.