ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
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[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.