That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
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The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”