*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
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Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?