[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
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Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.