Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
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What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.