my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
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IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY