I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
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People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out